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January 13, 2009
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Stay - during KotOR 2 LSM Exile and Visas.


Mazi sighed as he entered the crew quarters of the Ebon Hawk. It was empty in here now. So quiet and cold.

He wasn't sure how to feel about Kreia's absence. They'd been at odds about everything from the very beginning. She'd expressed displeasure at all of his choices; from his admission of new followers, to pretty much every decision he'd made on their journey.

But she'd been infinitely disciplined. The very portrait of control. And he'd respected and admired her for it.

She's been cruel at times, and very hard to understand. But she was all he knew.

Falleen were very long lived, and he'd been around long enough to value her wisdom. He felt betrayed, yes. And hurt. Kreia cared for him. He knew she did, regardless of the fact that he couldn't actually feel her anymore. But that just made this all the more confusing.

He heard a soft tread behind him, and knew without looking who it was.

Visas.

It made sense that she'd be the first to come to him after he'd returned from the rebuilt enclave on Dantooine. And not simply because Brianna appeared to have left with her sisters.

As much as all the others on the ship might care for him, Visas was different. Brianna and Mira with their constant bickering... even Atton and Bao. It was unfortunate, the fact that the pheromones his species gave off didn't discriminate between sexes. It was hard to tell how much of their admiration was genuine, and how much could merely be chalked up to attraction.

Visas was always so quiet. Reserved. And breath-takingly beautiful. Some of what he felt for her was protectiveness, compassion for the fate of her people. He wanted to save her.

Now he just took comfort in her presence.

But something was wrong. He could feel her unrest, her pain and fear. And it was all on his behalf.

"Visas, you are troubled. Why?"

Her shoulders slumped under the black fabric of her dress. She was silent for so long that Mazi started to think that perhaps she wouldn't answer him.

Finally, she spoke. "My Master awaits you on Telos." Her voice wrapped around him like a blanket. It soothed him, despite her obvious distress.

"I know. That is also where Atris has taken Kreia. Everything will be decided there."

"But... if you face him, he will wound you as he has wounded me," she said softly.

"I have to face him. There's no other choice."

"I am afraid," she whispered.

He walked to where she stood, just inside the doorway. Reaching out, he lightly grasped her left hand.

"Please," she said, "stay here with me."

"I will. For as long as I can."

Her fingers tightened inside his. "From the moment I first felt you across the galaxy, I have longed for you. I feel it, the echo, it speaks of another who is wounded. Like me." As she spoke, her right hand reached up to his face. "I love you more than my own life. And I want you to be here, with me, for as long as you will let me love you. Stay."

She softly ran her fingertips across his face, feeling the small scales of his skin. She swept them upward, tracing the prominent ridges across his forehead, then down, over the bridge of his nose, and let them come to rest against his lips.

"You are so beautiful," she said breathlessly.

He felt his chest tighten at her words. He wanted that, too. He wanted to be here, with her, for whatever time they had.

He touched her cheek with the back of his clawed hand.

They would face her former Master together. And maybe, when all this was over, there would be more time. Time for them.

~end~

This is for :icontankgirly: , and features her Exile, Mazi the Falleen. You can read more about him and Visas here [link] . Comment and fave ~tankgirly's picture of them here [link] .

I'm sorry this took me so long, girly. :blush: This is kind of a departure from my usual fandom, so it took me a really long time to come up with an idea. It ended up rather short, but I do hope you like it, and that I stayed close to your character. I decided to go with my favorite part of the game as a male Exile. And a bit of fluff seemed like a good way to go.

I'm thinking about posting this over at KFM, so please, please, please feel free to critique this harshly.

Disclaimer: All characters, etc. from the game Star Wars Knights of the Old Republic II belong to Obsidian Ent. and LucasArts. Mazi belongs to ~tankgirly.
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:iconalmostinsane999:
almostinsane999 Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2011
Awesome job.
Reply
:iconprincessjaden:
PrincessJaden Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2011   Writer
Thank you. :heart:
Reply
:iconalmostinsane999:
almostinsane999 Featured By Owner Jan 21, 2011
No problem. Always liked the character, Visas.
Reply
:iconeclecticquill:
EclecticQuill Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2009  Student Writer
It's shorter than your others, but it's good you didn't add anything needlessly. I don't think it's one of your best but it's still very good.
Reply
:iconprincessjaden:
PrincessJaden Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2009   Writer
Thanks! Man, you can tell when I'm writing something that I don't really want to write about, can't you? :XD: Writing requests are really tough, but they're a great way to learn and grow as a writer. I'm always trying to improve, and I agree: this is definately not one of my best. :)
Reply
:icontatooine92:
Tatooine92 Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2009  Student Writer
Aww, it's utterly adorable. I'm turning into mush right now, and that's not good; I've got to write my fic for the Scary Atton challenge! :XD:

Anyhoo... KFM, huh? I don't post much stuff there anymore. For one thing, it's easier to post stuff here as it's instant and doesn't have to go through a reviewing committee. That's why, when I tried to put up my First Blood entry there... it got kicked back. "Too violent for main page display" or some such. Yeah, okay, I can see where they get that, but I still say PSHAW!
Reply
:iconprincessjaden:
PrincessJaden Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2009   Writer
Oh, I know! We all need more wicked Jaq! Not to worry, though, just read this and you'll be nice and inspired [link] .

Thanks so much for your kind words, and the :+favlove:.

Yeah, KFM is a rather harsh lot. But you can find the best KOTOR fan fic around there. And it's how I found ~GrecianUrn.

I agree that it's easier to post here and on fanfic.net, but I always feel like I'm doing something classy if I can post it there. And yeah, K-rated only, I swear. I almost thought they'd kick-back my Stockholm Syndrome back, but they didn't, thank goodness. Because of that, I have a mere 5 stories up over there (out of 20!). [link] At the end of the day, I guess I just feel like the more exposure my stuff gets, the better. :)
Reply
:icontatooine92:
Tatooine92 Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2009  Student Writer
Yeah, same here. I do so like my stuff to be noticed. *is a spotlight hog*

And the worst time I ever had on KFM was back when I was submitting my Finding Hawk. Some jerk decided to insult every last thing he could about the story. Luckily for me, though, they were all pure-and-simple insults, pure spam, pure nastiness, so I could report him. So I collected up his insults, composed a nice, intelligent email to the mods, and shipped it off with the proof of that user's bad behavior. Few days later, I get an email from the jerk himself saying that he was banned and that I ought to kill myself because I got him banned. I deleted the email and laughed because anybody who'd say that is an idiot already.

They only like fluff from me there, though, so that is all I will ever give them.
Reply
:icontankgirly:
tankgirly Featured By Owner Jan 18, 2009
Gawd, I didn't know you had this kind of drama there. Did the mods removed his comments at the end? If not, perhaps I should go have a look...
Reply
:icontatooine92:
Tatooine92 Featured By Owner Jan 18, 2009  Student Writer
Oh, I think they did. It was quite a while back.
Reply
:icontankgirly:
tankgirly Featured By Owner Jan 18, 2009
Oic:nod:

Crazy people. :no:
Reply
:icontatooine92:
Tatooine92 Featured By Owner Jan 30, 2009  Student Writer
Yeah, no kidding.
Reply
:icongrecianurn:
GrecianUrn Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2009
This was well-written and did a good job of capturing an emotional moment in the game's storyline. I liked the pairing of tankgirly's M.Exile and Visas and it's always nice to see poor Visas get her moment in the sun - she doesn't receive much attention as a main character in a romance.

Since you've asked for some critique, I've tried to wrack my brain to see if I could come up with a few ideas. This piece was very good, but I felt that it could have benefited from more specificity and development in terms of the characters and their situations. One way to do this might be to show something instead of telling us something - for example, you write: "Visas was always so quiet. Reserved. And breath-takingly beautiful. Some of what he felt for her was protectiveness. Compassion for the fate of her people. He wanted to save her." - this is nice, solid prose, but instead of telling the reader all this information, you might find it more effective to show these traits and motivations as much as you can through character behaviour and allow the audience to draw the conclusions. That's not to say that you have to nix this explanations entirely, but personally, I find sentences like, "Her shoulders slumped under the black fabric of her dress. She was silent for so long that Mazi started to think that perhaps she wouldn't answer him" really wonderful because they makes Visas' feelings personal and concrete. What you did there really humanized Visas for me - it was easy to see that she is having trouble voicing her feelings for Mazi.

The second thing that I think might make this story even better would be more conflict - not necessarily between Mazi and Visas, but perhaps between Visas and her own shyness or Mazi and his own conflicted feelings about intimacy. After all, he's a Falleen who seduces people on sight, plus he's just learned that he is a wound in the Force and that he may spell trouble for everyone around him. A heightened sense of conflict will help up the stakes for us as readers and make the love affair between Visas and Mazi more memorable. After all, love achieved is less narratively exciting than obstacles and delay and yearning...even if the lovers in question aren't Romeo and Juliet and they handle their problems in fairly rational grown-up ways.

Okay, last nit-pickin' thing: 'infinately' should probably be written 'infinitely' and you may want to play around with sentence structures a bit to try out a variety of effects - the use of sentence fragments to state short, quick ideas in stream-of-consciousness fashion worked in some places, but at times it seemed to make the prose a bit choppy which seemed too rough for your sleek, refined Ms. Visas.

Anyway, as always this is subjective as all heck and only sprang to mind because you wanted critique on your lovely story. It is a good piece on a much-neglected character and I hope to see it on KFM soon. :D
Reply
:iconprincessjaden:
PrincessJaden Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2009   Writer
What would I do without you?:glomp: Thanks so much for an excellent review. It's just what I needed to hear before I'd even consider posting this at KFM. I'm going to do as you suggested, and try to develop some of the characters and feelings more, and I'll be sure to re-write some of my stunted sentences.

And you are so good at catching those little word slips I make.

Thank you. I really appreciate it, and you.:hug:
Reply
:icongrecianurn:
GrecianUrn Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2009
No problem, Jaden. Your work is always a pleasure to read and usually my major suggestion is to write more - always a good sign when your reading audience wants a second helping. :)
Reply
:iconprincessjaden:
PrincessJaden Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2009   Writer
:glomp:
Reply
:icontankgirly:
tankgirly Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2009
Gawd, this is a very blow by blow comment about my requested fanfic from PrincessJedi. You reminded me the KFMer SilverSentinal, she's very found of Visas, and had always given very genuine advice about anything involved around her (or any TSL fanfic/art, for that matter). You wouldn't happened to be her, would you?

This is a good thing. I truly like long, lengthy comments like this. Would love you to do the same to mine, if you don't mind.
Reply
:icongrecianurn:
GrecianUrn Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2009
Heh, I love writing critiques for stories I like and yes, I am the notorious rambling commenter DFR from KOTORfanmedia. I've actually reviewed some of your work before, tankgirly, (mostly artwork so far, I believe) and would be happy to do it again. *goes off and adds tankgirly to her watchlist* I don't know SilverSentinal very well, but I've read some of her comments (which are frequently very astute) and I'm flattered by the comparison. :)

P.S. Princess Jaden, you're the best. You always make me smile whether it's with your writing or with your general awesomeness. Thank you. :)
Reply
:icontankgirly:
tankgirly Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2009
Oh, it's you. Yes, I notice your comments on my artworks. Thank you very much for them.

*Wonder how many KFMer here using different nickname*
Reply
:iconprincessjaden:
PrincessJaden Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2009   Writer
She's Dove-Feathered Raven [link] , and I absolutely hero-worship her writing. :)
Reply
:icontankgirly:
tankgirly Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2009
:glomp:
Reply
:iconrelyna123:
relyna123 Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2009
What a lovely story! :heart: It's kinda strange seeing you write about a male Exile. I'm used to your usual female, Atton-loving Exile. =D
Reply
:iconprincessjaden:
PrincessJaden Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2009   Writer
Thank you! And yeah, it was a strange experience for me, too. But hopefully, stuff like this will make me a better writer in the long run.
Reply
:iconariat:
ariat Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
I liked this. It was nice to see Visas get some time in the spotlight; she's a very interesting character.

I did find one thing in here:
"Falleen where very long lived,"
I assume you meant 'were'?
Reply
:iconprincessjaden:
PrincessJaden Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2009   Writer
Oops! Thanks for catching that! That's one of those things that I'm usually so carefull about. But apparently not this time.

And thanks for letting me know your thoughts! These are the themes, the ones that I normally wouldn't do on my own, that end up the most challenging.
Reply
:iconariat:
ariat Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
Hey, I like people to do that for me (though I'm a spelling and grammar nazi, so I re-check all my works) if things slip through the cracks, so why not help out others? (:
Reply
:iconnevar23:
Nevar23 Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2009  Hobbyist General Artist
Very nice! There was a beautiful bittersweetness here, a sense of heaviness at the task before them, but the hope shines through. :heart:
Reply
:iconprincessjaden:
PrincessJaden Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2009   Writer
Thanks, my friend!:glomp: I appreciate that.
Reply
:icontankgirly:
tankgirly Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2009
By the time I manage to write down this comment, I've already jumping around my computer room several rounds and scream until the entire block was heard.

Goodness, this is such a wonderful piece. We don't usually seen Visas express her emotion, not even in front of Exile. I love it , loveitloveitloveit. :typerhappy:

Find a beta to bullet proof it and surprise everybody on KFM.

:faint:
Reply
:iconprincessjaden:
PrincessJaden Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2009   Writer
Eep! I'm so tickled that you like it!:iconpyroglompplz: Really. It makes me so happy. :) Thanks for the fave, too, that means a lot to me.

Also, would you mind if I used [link] as the preview image for this? I think they go together well. :heart:
Reply
:icontankgirly:
tankgirly Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2009
No problem. Go ahead.
Reply
:iconprincessjaden:
PrincessJaden Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2009   Writer
:glomp: Thank you.
Reply
:iconx-blood-x-x:
x-BLOOD-X-x Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2009
I like this. =D It was very good, even though I bet it was weird writing about a male exile when you usually write with a female one.
Reply
:iconprincessjaden:
PrincessJaden Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2009   Writer
It was!:giggle: Thanks so much for your nice words, and the fave.:glomp:
Reply
:iconx-blood-x-x:
x-BLOOD-X-x Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2009
No problem. :hug:
Reply
:icondarthjazz:
DarthJazz Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2009  Student General Artist
Awwww.... :heart:

Lovely!
Reply
:iconprincessjaden:
PrincessJaden Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2009   Writer
Thank you!:cuddle:
Reply
:iconcindrollic:
Cindrollic Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2009
=D I Liked It.
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:iconprincessjaden:
PrincessJaden Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2009   Writer
Good. :)
Reply
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